Numb
by character-obsessed
Summary: Emma makes the ultimate choice to save whats left of her heart, but is what is left of her heart enough to save her one true love? Or is it too late for her happy ending?
1. Chapter 1

"I want to hurt you like you hurt me" Killian mutters almost all to calmly to my face.

If I wasn't frozen already, I'm sure I would have been paralyzed by his words. I feel paralyzed.

I deserve this, I realize. I expect this. Emma Swan is not the kind of person that gets a happy ending. I am not the person who gets to be happy. I'm just not.

My whole life, I have waited for this. The moment I would break. The moment my soul, my dignity, my heart would be crushed. Forever. The sad part of all this is that it was all over men. Two men to be exact.

I made myself a woman who's world revolved around men. First, in the form of my son, the boy who brought light into my soul. And what did I do in return? I crush his own light, crush his own chance of a happy ending. Some mother I am.

And to top things off, I managed to break my own heart by breaking the heart of the only man I have ever truly loved.

"Enough of a pity party", a loud, and annoyingly familiar voice rings in my head.

"Enough" I growl in return. Rumplestileskin was the last thing I need at the moment, or at any moment come to think of it.

"Now now that's not the way to talk to your only friend, now is it? Besides dearie, I have a proposition for you!" Gold then proceeded to clap his hands together in delight.

"I'm not in the mood Rumple. Now leave my presence. I'm done."

I proceed to turn my back to him, trying to block out the voice in my head once again. But one thing has me turning my back towards him again the next second. There was always one thing. One thing that you would do anything for. For me, it was peace.

"I can fix your bruised, broken heart darling".

This is what gets me to turn around. This sentence, this proposition gets me to turn my head.

"And what would that be, hmm?" I ask in my coldest voice. The darkness making me intrigued to hear more.

"I could break it forever darling" rumple giggles.

I look at the ground, my eyes filling with tears. I swipe them back roughly from my cheeks. Killian once told me that if a heart could be broken, then It still worked. I want my heart not to work.

"I'll do it" I answer quickly. There would be no chance to back out if I made the deal quickly.

Rumple, or more accurately, the embodiment of the dark one smiles.

"Very well darling. But there is one thing you have to know before I make this deal complete."

I can tell he is stalling at the last minute, thinking maybe I might back out if the deal really is as bad as I imagine it will be. I don't care at this moment. What ever it was, it couldn't make me feel any worse.

"Wait-" I yell. "I'll agree to anything as long as it doesn't affect my family. I've hurt them enough as it is. I at least have enough decency left to spare them pain this time".

The Dark One smiles. He got the permission he needed.

"Stand back then love, this ones gonna be a doozy".

Suddenly, the all to familiar grey smoke begins to rise from my dark hardwood floors. It bellows up to my high ceilings before coming back to the middle of the room and evaporating slowly to reveal a figure.

A beautiful woman comes immersing from the shadows.

"Oh thank God!" she gasps, a smile taking over her entire beautiful face. She comes strutting toward me with all the confidence in the world.

"Milah" she extends her hand to shake my hand.

Chapter One

"Emma" I barely stutter out.

"Any chance you could direct me to the docks love? I have a very sexy lover waiting for me. And as of two minutes ago, he thinks I'm dead. Think we should resolve that, don't you think?" She laughs, almost with no care in the world.

I can barely talk. I feel as if my throat is closing up and someone attached a 10-pound brick to my chest. All I can do is point to my door, almost as if I have no control over my actions.

Milah gives me a funny look as if I've gone mad. She simply saunters past me, opening the door and making her merry way to the docks. Making her merry way to my Killian.

What had I done.


	2. Chapter 2

p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Immense panic sets in as the door slams./p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"My first thoughts are that I have to tell Killian before Milah gets to him. But then I realize something, wasn't this what I wanted the whole time? Don't I want to feel numb? /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"If my heart wasn't completely destroyed by Killian's hatred towards me, then wouldn't this do it? Seeing my happy ending get his without me? /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"-/p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Two weeks. Two weeks has gone by and all I can do is lie on my couch. I'm too afraid to face the outside world, and especially to face Killian. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Every Time I even think of him, my heart clenches in my chest. A tight grip squeezes on my organ until I'm gasping for breath and fighting my tears back by sheer force of willpower. I will not cry for a man that will never again cry for me. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"My body feels tired. That's what happens when you stop eating. Now I'm not one of those women who will starve herself to look more beautiful or stop eating because it helps them self-sabbatoge in some way (I do that all of my own thankyouverymuch), I am a woman now who simply can't eat. Sure I'll have nibbles and small meals now and then through out the day, to keep up appearances of health, but I'm just not interested in food. Food is comfort and I don't want that. I want as much pain as my heart can handle, maybe more. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"A loud knock on my door awakens me violently from my day dreams. I drag my feet to the side of the couch, and stretch out my limbs for the first time in hours. Softly, I make my way to the entrance of my house. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Henry's perky smile greets me at the door. I can't help but smile softly at my son. He is so unlike me in so many ways. So much like his father. Henry sees the best in everyone, including me, the one who gave him up, I think bitterly. Focus, I tell myself. You need to focus on your son now. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"With renewed enthusiasm, I smile more widely at Henry, willing my appearance to please my intuitive son. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"He seems suspicious at first, but eventually he smiles back and takes my hand, guiding me into the kitchen. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""Want something to eat, kid?" I ask, knowing a growing boy would say yes. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"To my assumption, he grins widely and nods his head in consent. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Turning towards my cupboards, I open them slowly, hoping for their to be some food. Enough to keep up appearances. Luckily, there is just enough, and I grab some pancake mix and heat up the pan. /p  
p style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I watch Henry eat his food hungrily. He barely looks up from his plate, stuffing the sticky pancakes in his mouth. After a few minutes, his hunger ceases, and he begins to look worriedly at his empty plate. I can tell something is bothering him, but for once, I almost don't want to ask what is wrong, figuring it would have something to do with me. Eventually, my ever-developing mother skills kick in and I can't help but try and relive my son's worry. /p  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""Kid, whats wrong?" I sigh, trying my best to stay impassive. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""Mom, If I tell you something, please don't tell me you will blame yourself for it" Henry pleads, looking at me earnestly. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I scoff gently, and let out a half laugh. I always manage to forget how initiative my son is with knowing me. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""I promise" I say, not knowing if I can actually keep it. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Henry smiles at this, and then takes a deep breath, almost preparing himself for my reaction. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""I saw Killian—with someone else" Henry says slowly, gauging my reaction. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"What I feared would happen, is happening sooner then I thought. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""I know" I let out quickly, trying to change the subject. "It's okay, really". I try to appear neutral with my feelings, hoping my son will buy it. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Henry's teenage hand slams on the table. "No, it's not" he yells angrily, "You're true love, it's not supposed to be lilke this. You love each other, he can't just move on just because you're the dark one. Who cares about that. You're the savior, you always will be. I don't care what anybody says, I believe in you."/div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"The tears flow freely now. My son believes in me. Still. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""Oh mom, I knew I shouldn't have told you" Henry says, coming around the table and wrapping his arms around me. "C'mon, let's get you out of the house. Snow and David are going to be at the diner, we all wanted to have you come to lunch". /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""When did you become the one who took care of me. Shouldn't that be my job?" I truly laugh for the first time in forever. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Without much protest for me, Henry takes my hand and leads me out of the house. Maybe everything can turn out all right after all. At least, I have a family who loves me. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"—/div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"After eating my first full meal in over a week, I feel much better. Having grown up in the system, depression was a natural side effect. I've dealt with it before, I lived through it everyday before meeting my family. I never thought that family was a real thing, until I experienced it for myself. With my family surrounding me, I realize that I can make it through. I can make it through another heartbreak, another disappointment, caused by myself. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I haven't messed this thing up, not yet. Glancing at the next generation of Nolan, my heart lightens. Baby Neal gazes up at me, almost as if he can understand me. His blue eyes sparkle and he wraps his finger around mine. I can't help but grin at his adorable face, and he somehow wraps his tiny fingers tighter around my index finger, comforting me further. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I look up to see my family watching our interaction. "What?" I ask self-consciously, tugging a small piece of hair behind my ear. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;""We've just never seen Neal focus so intently on someone before" Snow says, "I can tell someone likes his older sister, that's all". /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"The thought pleases me more than I think a singular thought could. I like the idea of being an older sister. I like the idea of a special bond formed by our parents, and I also like the idea of a baby. The thought of being a mother again, pulls something inside me. Being the mother to a baby. I missed my chance with Henry, and I thought I could perhaps get my own chance of raising a child, but that chance was dashed out the window as soon as my name was written on that dagger. My own happiness was written off when my name was written. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I shake myself out of misery—once again. I need to at least try and appear happy, or at least, my usual self. Just as I resolve myself to play the part my family needs me to play, the bell to Granny's rings loudly, signaling that someone is about to come in. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"All chances of appearing to be happy are dashed out the window as I lay my eyes on the two people I had been doing my best to avoid. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Milah and Killian come almost crashing through the door. The look of joy and content written clearly on Milah's face and she laughs loudly and wraps her arms around my boy—around Killian. I look down quickly, avoiding seeing Killian's face. I don't know if I could handle him being utterly happy without me. When my curiousness can no longer be held in, I look up, finally seeing the face of the man who had destroyed my heart. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"What I see held on his face shocks me. Not a grin, not a satisfied smile, but rather a forced one. He claims that he can read me like an open book, but that curse goes both ways. I just don't through that knowledge in his face every time I can. I see the mask he is putting on, for her or himself, I can't tell. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"But still, they look the part. Both dark haired and gorgeous, both loud and unruly, both perfect for each other it seems. No wonder they had such a long relationship. No wonder he still has a tattoo of her marking his body. They seem like the perfect couple. But still, why does he not look happy? I can't fathom why he wouldn't be over the moon. Milah is here, his one true love. I mean, he practically hates me. I couldn't be the reason, could I? /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"I shake myself out of these thoughts, knowing how silly they are. C'mon Emma, how long are you going to delude yourself in thinking that people actually care about you as much as you care about them? My track record has proven time and time again that I'm just not the type of person to be loved. It's impossible for me, and the sooner I realize that, the sooner It can catch up to my heart. The heart that no matter how broken or bruised still longs for something or someone to fix it. Usually, I try not to think this way because once you start, its an endless cycle of blame and depression, and believe me, I am fully aware and fully comfortable living with this thought process. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;" /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"A loud laugh breaks me out of my self-pittying notions. I watch grimly as Milah giggles loudly into Killian's shirt. The whole diner has turned to watch them, and it takes all of my effort not to throw up into my empty plate. Killian still hasn't seen my family, although and his mask of bravado and cockiness are still firmly in place. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Just as they begin to pick up their take out, and head out, Killian finally makes eye-contact with me and realizes that I am here. It's the first time we've seen each other since we broke up, and my breath catches in my throat. It's almost impossible for me to breath, a vice like grip has my throat. But just as soon as it happened, its over. /div  
div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"Killian turns away from me, bringing Milah closer by her waist. With out gaze broke, I can finally breathe again, and I take a few slow collective breaths to steady myself. I glance once more at the couple, noticing his hand still rests solidly around her waist, but what I also notice is that his fingers aren't stroking her side lovingly, like he used to do to me when we were together. Somehow this brings me a little peace, knowing he isn't moving on as soon as I thought he would. For the first time in weeks I can actually breathe. /div 


	3. Chapter 3

My head clunks on my desk loudly, my breath leaves my lungs in a long sigh. Three tickets, one arrest, and a few noise complaints later, and my week has finally come to an end. For a town with a little over a few hundred people, they sure do seem to have a lot of problems, especially problems that end up involving me. Luckily for them, a former criminal can't really judge their petty crimes. I had done much worse in my so-called prime with Neal, and even now the urge to take a spare donut hits me hard when I least expect it. The years growing up on the streets had made stealing necessary, and even now those urges still come up. So nevertheless, my right to judge other people never really comes up. Meanwhile, David, who despite his best intentions, can never really quite relate to the townspeople like I can. If only my only problem could be to be _too_ righteous. What a concept.

Just as I am about to leave and return home, a loud and shrill phone call rings through the silent station. I answer it and hope for my own sake that it is a prank call coming from a pre-pubescent child. Of course, it is not. My head reels as I listen to a long complaint about Grumpy apparently causing a scene at the local dive bar. I listen to this woman complain patiently, resigning myself to going down to the bar, and after a few minutes of this woman's loud screeching, she finishes with a whiny "thank you" and hangs up.

The only word that comes to mind is _why_. This word repeats and repeats in my mind as I zip-up my boots and throw on my red jacket. It's freezing out, it's eight o'clock, and I'm tired. I just want to go home and cuddle up on my couch. But no, the life of the savior is never that simple. Grumpy can't hold his liquor for one bloody night. Jefferson can't hold his temper. It never ends. For once, I half-heartedly wish a big bad would come alone. At least they're consistent and don't make me go down to a bar on a friday night.

Opening the door to the station, a gust of wind hits my whole body, causing me to shiver. Turning around, I pull the keys out of my back pocket and lock the door, effectively locking the heat inside, with me retaining none of it. My legs haven't warmed up enough to run, but nonetheless, I shuffle my feet, barely lifting my heels off the ground and make my way to my car. I feel like a small child, dragging their feet in protest. But alas, I'm an adult and I have a job to keep.

Closing the door to my bug, I dial up the heat, and press my fingers against the screen. For such an old car, the heat does come on sooner than expected and I heave a sigh of relief as my fingers find a source of warmth. Feeling warmth begin to return to my body, I start the car, and head on my way to the bar. Luckily for me, the bar rests on the outside of the town, close to the town line, and I have a few minutes until I get there.

In a few moments, I arrive at the bar, making my way quickly to the entrance. As soon as I open the doors to the bar, all the noise stops. I understand, I really do. I'm the buzzkill. I remember a time when I would be the one sitting at the bar, trying to enjoy a drink, and the police would come in investigating. It was at the time when I was with Neal, and we both didn't have legal ID's. Me, because I was only seventeen and couldn't legally drink. And Neal, because technically, he didn't exists in this world. Luckily for them, I could care less if some nineteen year old was drinking his first drink in the bar. I'm only here to deal with a drunken idiot, who is harassing other people in the bar.

Wasting no time, I make my way straight over to where Grumpy resides. Unlike everyone else, the dwarf hasn't noticed me yet. He is still very much enjoying the leisures of his drink, clueless to his pending arrest for public indecency. Just as I am about to approach the dwarves, a rough hand suddenly pulls my arm aggressively back.

Not wanting to deal with another unruly drunk, I turn around quickly, bracing myself to both scold the person for grabbing my arm so hard and to potentially grab them water to sober them up.

What I lay my eyes upon when I turn momentarily shocks me. A 6'4 man towers over me, wiggling his black eyebrows seductively at me. I guess this is his attempt at flirting? The urge to vomit hits me fiercely and my stomach feels queasy at this man's flirtations. But before I can politely, but vehemently dismiss his attraction, the man speaks. As if I could hate him any more.

"So, can I get you a drink beautiful? I mean, I saw you checking me out on your way through this place, and I figured, why not indulge a pretty thing like you" he smirks.

A loud laugh sounds in the room, drawing a few turned heads. It isn't until a second later that I realize that the laugh is coming from me.

Apparently I can't control my brain to mouth function. The whole reason I am laughing in the first place is because of how ridiculous his statement is. Here I was just doing my sheriffing business, and I get accused of checking out a man. As if I would check out anyone other then Killian.

"Look I'm not interested Mr...?" It suddenly strikes me that I don't even know this man's name.

"Gaston" he says with a rather exaggerated puffing of his chest.

My eyes go wide at the realization. Handsome, gruff looking man with an unbearable personality and a pea sized brain. I can't believe I hadn't noticed right away.

"Ya, I'm defiantly not interested" I say in an authoritative voice, hoping Gaston will get the hint and flirt with the next walking girl with a vagina and a pretty face.

Gaston, to my surprise, simply shrugs and opens his arms to let me pass through. Huh, I think. Maybe some people are better than their reputations? Just as I'm about to leave and walk towards the corner of the bar, I hear one word. Bitch.

Turning around ready to rep remand him not only for his terrible manners, but also for his lack of tact, I am beat to the punch. Literally.

I turn in horror to see Killian punch Gaston straight in his jaw. The man, in turn, falls to the floor knocked out cold.

Who knew for such a large man, that he could be knocked out cold by a single punch? I couldn't count the amount of times I had remained steal eyed and steadfast after being attached, often by men twice my age or girls twice my height in my youth.

The first thing I register is shock. The second emotion I register is gratitude. Gratitude that someone, especially an ex, would defend my honor. But I suppose Killian has as always been different. Even now it was hard for me to consider him an ex when I was still so deeply and passionately in love with him.

Laying eyes on him in the first time in weeks is a relief. He looks the same in his black leather jacket and tight ripped jeans, and similarly he acts the same way as well; always with passion, and often in fury.

Becoming the dark one had simply deepened and pushed forward all of his anger and hatred. I can't blame him really, I know how it feels.

Just now I am registering, once again, all the eyes looking at me. Or us rather, since Killian is standing in front of me and on top of Gaston's still unconscious form.

Snapping into sheriff mode and trying to remain in control of the situation, I grab on to Killian's arm and tug him through the bar and lead him outside.

"What is wrong with you?!" I say in the loudest voice I've ever used with him.

"What Is wrong with me, what is wrong with you?" He retorts, his fingers balling up in fists.

I walk over to the brick wall that covers the outside of the building, resting my head against the concrete, all the fight rushing out of my body at once.

"Can't you just leave me alone?" I sat quietly, trying to hold back the tears.

He lets out a long sigh, the fight leaving him too apparently. He comes slowly to my back and rests his hands softly on my shoulders, coaxing me to turn. He lifts two fingers under my chin, forcing me to look up and look him in his eyes.

"What" I ask in a quite voice, trying not to betray all my feelings at once.

"I'm still mad at you, you know" he says in a tone that doesn't match his words as he twirls "You make it so difficult sometimes".

I let out a small laugh, which he echoes, leaning in further and resting his forehead against mine. Suddenly, the air between us almost becomes tangible. The energy floating between us like it always had, and I suspect always will. He is leaning forward, his eyes closing and his lips seeking mine. I can't help but lean in, his kisses like an anecdote to my sadness.

Just as our lips are about to meet, a loud voice screeches through the air.

"Baby!" Mila calls loudly, searching for Killian no doubt.

This breaks our spell, reminding me of just how broken up we really are. He's moved on. He has someone new, or old, I guess, If you want to think about it. Still the shock of going from hot to cold, from hope to hopelessness, hasn't quite hit me, and i still feel shocked.

"Baby?" I let out, mostly to myself.

"Baby" he whispers softly, shaking his head, and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. That one word, no matter how trivial and overused, meant something to us. At least it used to. Anger and shame flood through my system, and suddenly the ability to breathe becomes lost on me, and I can tell that a panic attack is about to assume.

I can only say one word, as I push my hands against my chest, realising myself from his embrace, from him. I practically growl out the word in disgust. Baby.

I don't look back as I start to run. Literally and figuratively running away from my problems. I hit someone sharply as I run by, tears clouding up my vision. I realize now, seconds after it happens, that I just hit Milah. Normally, I would apologize, but honestly, I can't get myself to even look at the woman who is in effect stealing the affections of my one true love, even if it was my fault in the first place.

Making my way past her, I break out into a full on sprint. Forgetting about my duty's as a cop, excusing my crazy appearance to the other people walking in the street, I get into my car, locking the doors and in effect, locking everyone else out.

At last, I have a chance to actually breathe. I know I shouldn't be driving with blurred vision, so I manage to take a few deep breaths and dab my eyes with a tissue. Finally, I am ready to drive, and I put the keys in and turn on my car.


	4. Chapter 4

Please please review! I want to know if I should continue this story and I want to know how you are all liking it so far. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 4:

Crashing into my bed seems like it would give me a little relief. It doesn't. I toss and turn yet my mind still can't seem to focus on anything other than Killian.

I was sure he was going to kiss me. I was sure I wanted to kiss him. If he would've just leaned in a little sooner, than maybe _maybe_ Milah would've gotten the hint and backed off.

But what were the signs? As much as I want him and will probably always want him (despite my fruitless efforts at numbing my heart), he has shown no indication of wanting me back.

Hitting some guy in a bar was a sign of possessiveness and anger, not of love. And almost kissing me in the alley could really be attributed to anything. I _was_ his girlfriend after all, and Killian is a man that doesn't easily forget. I mean he didn't get over Milah for hundreds of years. He was over me in a matter of seconds it seems. That must mean something right?

All I know is that our almost kiss doesn't have anything to do with wanting me back. We both know that I'm better off alone. He knows this because for the better part of our relationship, I couldn't tell him that I loved him, despite knowing since after our return from Neverland. And I know this because I know myself. I know how screwed up I really am. I know about the faint marks on my arm that no one else (including Killian) knows about, and I know how much deeper my emotional scars run.

Turning over in bed, I try to get comfortable. Despite the flow of tears and the hurricane of emotions going on in my tortured brain, I feel exhausted, and sleep is ever so slowly seeping into every pore of my body. Turning over once more and adjusting my pillow, sleep finally overtakes me and I fall into a steady trance.

I awake with a loud gasp and sit straight up in bed. Sweat covers my forehead and my hands are trembling. Nightmares are nothing new to me, but this one struck me to the core. I was dreaming of my funeral. A dream that I had quite often in my youth. After I found my family and found Killian, this loneliness that plagued me most heavily in my dreams, just disappeared. I was happy, truly exhilaratingly happy. Not anymore.

I am miserable. Once again. As if I couldn't get all the misery out of my system during the first 28 years of my life. Curling myself into a ball, I rock back and forth on my bed, desperately trying to comfort myself. My bones ache with loneliness. My eyes fill up with tears once more, and I can't do anything to stop it. I just let myself feel all the sadness, all the guilt, and all the shame I can. After what seems like an hour, but really what must be 20 minutes, I stop sobbing. I just simply rock back and forth, trying to keep the tears at bay. A task that is proving almost impossible as my eyes cloud up once more.

A loud bang breaks me out of my self-imposed anxiety attack. A cloud of black smoke makes its way under my door and into my room. The door knob turns slowly, as if the person on the other side of the door is still contemplating whether or not to come in.

I turn my body to face my window, not wanting the other person on the other side of the door to see me in my weakened state. The door creaks open slowly, and the person's heavy boots trud heavily on my hardwood. I immediately recognize the foot work. Killian. I turn further away from him, not wanting him to see me cry. After a few moments, I turn slowly around finally ready to recognize his presence in my room and I wipe my eyes. The tension is killing me. What I see when I turn around startles me. Killian is taking off his shoes, setting them neatly next to my bed. I'm about to open my mouth and start a line of questioning when he stops me.

"I'm still mad at you" he says, in a determined voice.

"Then why are you here?" I retort both in confusion and growing anger.

"Because darling, as odd as it may seem, I have the immense pleasure of hearing your thoughts and feeling most of your emotions, especially the intense ones, that you dear swan are inclined to experience. In short, I can't sleep."

His flippant tone doesn't match his serious message. Embarrassment wouldn't be enough to cover the range of emotions I had finding out that he of all people can feel my pain. The only question that comes to mind is: how?

He sees the questioning expression on my face, and precedes to read me like an open book and answers my question without me having to say it.

"We're the dark ones. Like it or not we're connected in more ways than one. Now, hop into bed Swan, the sooner we fall asleep, the sooner you'll feel better, and the sooner I can leave. For good this time"

I shake my head in protest. Nope, absolutely not. Not happening. There's no way we're sharing a bed _now_ of all times. For two very independent and bold people with no problems being sexually active in the past, we had never actually had sex. We didn't have time, okay? And we weren't going to start tonight, broken up and angry with each other.

This time he begs and resorts to a new low.

"C'mon Swan, it's not like we both don't know you still have feelings for me," he says with a smirk.

There it is, there's the darkness coming out. For a while, I didn't think the darkness had altered Killian that much. He didn't appear to be the dark one on the outside, I mean his outfit choices hadn't changed that much. My first thought is to feel self-pity. My second is anger.

"Is that a threat I ask?" my voice remaining steadfast, my eyes holding his straight on. The sexual tension boiling hot in the room.

He smirks, the bastard. He then proceeds to strip of his coat and his jeans, and make his way over to the bed.

He lies comfortably on my sheets, his arms crossed behind his head.

"Coming Swan?"

"I'm not gonna get rid of you tonight am I?" The fight leaving me.

"Don't act like you want me to sweetheart. Remember I can feel your emotions"

"Hmm, like to have your cake and eat it too huh, Killy" I retort, proud of my snippy response.

I know he hates when anyone calls him that, and somehow this gives me great satisfaction. I won't be the only one embarrassed tonight will I?

"Just get in bed darling" he responds grumpily.

With that, I make my way to the opposite side of the bed, getting in quickly under the covers.

I lie as far away from him as possible. My eyes remain wide open as I stare out the window and try to calm my breathing. Tears are still at the edge of my eyes, threatening to run silently down my cheeks. I curl further into myself, almost as if I'm protecting myself with my own arms.

I feel myself being pulled backward. I'm being pulled into warmth. His pair of strong arms wrap around me, and bring me into his embrace. Immediately I feel better. A sense of belonging hits me immediately and for the first time in weeks, I feel at peace. Finally I am able to drift off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

For the rest of the week, we slept the same way. After it happened the first night, we both thought I was fine. And the next day, I laid my head down on my pillow, and closed my eyes, accepting the fact that he wasn't coming again. It was already one in the morning, and surely Milah would notice if he got up in the middle of the night and never came back. I tried as hard as I could to push back my emotions. I didn't know if I could handle his pity sleepover again. Willing my tears to stay inside my eyes wasn't enough however and my eyes welled up with emotion and sorrow and dripped heavily and slowly down my cheeks. I had hoped so hard with my brain, the ration side of myself, that he wouldn't come. My heart, in turn, had decided not to listen and was begging for Killian to come home. Staying as quiet as possible, I finally let the tears run their course, and after a few minutes, I rationed that he wasn't coming, and just as I decided to find a more comfortable sleeping position, the sheets lifted over me and a warm body slid in behind me. That night, I had let out a long sigh, trying to convey to him that I didn't need his comfort. Instead of believing my annoyed sigh, he simply pulled me closer to him, and tucked me gently into his arms, comforting me in an instant.

After the first few days, I realized that this would continue to happen. I couldn't sleep without Killian, so in turn, because of our connected darkness, he couldn't sleep either. We didn't speak during the day, avoiding each other as much as possible. Him, when he saw me with my family, and me, when I saw him with Milah. Somehow, in the weeks following our breakup, I had gone from his girlfriend to his ex to somehow his mistress? I'm sure Milah wouldn't be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend was spending his nights in my bed, no matter how much he made it clear to both of us how done we in fact, were.

At night, we were just Killian and Emma. Two broken people who somehow found solace with each other. No matter how ashamed at myself that I was, I was still incredibly grateful to have this time with him. Nights were my only time of peace. No kisses had been exchanged, yet his arms around me was enough for now. He was always gone in the morning, but his goodbye forehead kisses gave me the strength to face the upcoming day.

Lying in bed now , I can feel his body behind mine. This is the first time he has stayed the night until morning. The sunlight is shining warmly on my face, the winter being erased by its bright rays. Just as I shift, to get up and start my day, his arms tighten around my waist, pulling me closer to him, preventing me from leaving.

"Killian, I have to get ready for work" I say, with a growing smile on my face. His growing clinglyness making me happy.

Choosing to ignore my words, he simply squeezes me tighter and buries his face in my neck. This causes me to relent my decision to get up, if only for a couple seconds, and I choose instead to enjoy his affection. Warm, wet kisses are slowly being placed on my neck. All thoughts of leaving fly out the window, and my back arches against his growing erection, as I try to get as close to him as possible.

He groans loudly when my ass hits his growing manhood. He bites down on my neck, sucking possessively, while no doubt leaving a large and apparent mark. His hands then proceed to travel down the length of my body, stopping at the edge of my underwear. His fingers tease the material, and slowly reach under the fabric and find their goal.

I gasp out loud at the sensation. I'm already sopping wet and hot. His fingers only add to my growing pleasure. His fingers continue their path downward, and one dips into my core.

"So wet Emma" he gasps heavily in my ear.

The only thing I can do at this point is not. Words refusing to escape my throat. My body so focused on pleasure that it can't focus on anything else.

His sticky fingers travel to my clit, rubbing soft and quick circles. His body is grinding into mine. My arms linked around his neck, my fingers carding through the soft hair at his scalp.

I don't know how much more we can take, his grinding is growing harder, and the urge for me to rip his boxers, and just let him take me, is ever growing. We never got this far when we were actually together, both of us wanting to take our time with each other, knowing that our relationship could be the last one we would both be in. How ironic that now that we were supposed to be sworn enemies, we couldn't take our hands off each other. We both knew that as soon as we started, we would never be able to stop. And our intense make out session was proving this point.

Making up my mind, I ask him one question that I know will change everything, forever.

"Make love to me?" I ask breathlessly.

His response is immediate. He unhooks my arms from around his neck, and in a split second, he turns us over, so that I am laying on my back. For the first time this morning, we make eye contact. For a few seconds in time, we can't stop staring at each other. His eyes are reading mine in a way that they always have. They do say that eyes are the windows to our souls, and his eyes certainly are trying to find mine.

I can't take the intensity of it all, and I pull his head down for a kiss. This kiss is greedy. This kiss is soft. Two things that don't go together, but somehow, manage to compliment each other in our kiss. I take the lead this time, hooking my legs around his waist, and attempt to use my feet to push his boxers down. He gets the hint very quickly and pulls my underwear down my thighs as well. They get stuck somewhere in the middle of my thighs, and laughs escape both of us as we tug desperately to get the fabric free. The moment that had turned from serious to light in a matter of seconds, just as soon changes back to serious.

Both of us are breathing heavily at this point, keeping constant eye-contact. Killian has a look of awe on his face, probably the same one I have on mine. Reaching down, he hooks my thighs around his hips and lines himself up.

Before he can push in; however, he opens and closes his mouth a few times, seemingly contemplating the words he wants to say.

"I love—" he begins to say before I cut him off.

"Shh, don't say anything. Not now. Not when you're not certain."

He shakes his head sadly.

"Not certain?" he says in a soft voice.

My eyes drift down to his chin, not able to keep eye contact. I swear this man has seen far too much of my insecurities. More than anyone had ever in the past.

His fingers lift up the corner of my chin, forcing me to look him in his eyes.

"Always certain, love. Always" is all he says, and then he begins to move.

He pushes his hips forward. The head of his erection pushing inside of me. It's been a while, and I'm tight. The aftermath of my sex life being on hold for the last year. Besides, Walsh was small. Smaller than I liked. And already I could feel Killian touching areas that hadn't been touched in a while, and a small wince crosses my face.

I feel him halting his motions, trying to make it easier for me. His hips stop, and he gives me time to adjust.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart" he whispers, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind my ear.

After a few moments, the pain dulls, my bodily readily adjusting to him. I give him a signal to keep going, and rest my hands lightly on his shoulders. He starts to move slowly now, almost fully inside me. The pain now forgotten as I feel him fill me completely.

Our bodies seem to perfectly match. I can feel him trying to still his hips and give me time. He is moaning softly in my ear, all his concentration going into halting his movements. I smile at this. His patients and care coming across clearly to me. So, I decide to give him permission.

"Baby," I sigh loudly into his ear, "please move, I'm okay really." I try and reassure him. I press a quick peck to his lips, soothing him further.

At these words, his control seems to snap and he begins to rock harder and harder into my body. We are both moaning loudly, our cries ringing in the air around us. Our bodies are merging as one, just as every other aspect of ourselves had.

As our climaxes build together, I know I'm going to fall hard and quickly, and It scares me. I begin to tremble in his arms, hiding my face in his neck and latching onto his earlobe, sucking softly. He, in turn, can feel my climax beginning, and hauls me up into his arms, with me now on top.

I now sit in his lap, his arms gripping my waist, and lifting me gently up and down his cock. Sweat now plasters both of our foreheads, and he gently pushes the damp hair out of my eyes in a sweet gesture. Even in the midst of pleasure, he puts my needs before his own. The pleasure builds rapidly now at the new angle and added intimacy. A low sob of pleasure escapes my throat, and I can tell that we are both at the end of our threads.

I need something else; however, to get there. And because he can read me like an open book, he guides his hand down to my clit and rubs hard circles. The pleasure shoots through my body. Molten heat rushing through my limbs. My head bends back and my spine becomes a crooked line as my orgasm overtakes me. I take him with me apparently, as I feel him shake seconds after my orgasm ends. Hot liquid shoots inside of me over and over again as I milk him dry. Thoughts of birth control far from my mind. I can only focus on the man still inside of me. I snake my hands through his hair, massaging his scalp the way I know he likes. Both of us are coming down now, yet we are not quite ready to separate.

He pulls up my white blanket around us, encasing us in a warm and intimate huddle. We both reach for each other at the same time and our lips meet in a slow, wet kiss. This kiss is anything but lustful, and it screams love. And after breaking the kiss, I reach my hands around him and just simply pull him into a hug. Just being around him puts me at ease.

Our hug seems to go on for hours, his fingers stroking up and down my back in an intimate gesture. I, in turn, can't stop laying soft kisses to his right shoulder and to his neck. But after a few minutes, we know we have to actually start getting ready for the day, and we break apart at the same time. He gets up first, reaching down to get his underwear off the floor, and I lay down flat on my back, my hair spreading out across my pillow.

After getting on all of his clothes, and picking up his "talking phone" as he calls it from my desk top, he is ready to go. He walks slowly to the edge of the bed, and kneels down at its side. I turn to face him, my face showing all the sorrow and uncertainness I feel after our powerful encounter. What I see when I turn around. takes me off guard. Killian seems just as lost as I am. As torn as I am. But nevertheless, he closes his eyes and rest his forehead against mine. He then presses a long kiss to my hairline, saying both thank you, I love you, and goodbye at the same time. He then turns around and walks to the door, closing it with a light thud, leaving me completely alone to my thoughts.

Please please review! I greatly appreciated the comments from last time. I want to know what you guys want to happen, and what you've enjoyed in the last few chapters! Thank you loves!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Lying in bed, a goofy smile slowly takes form on my face. Draping my arm over my forehead, I groan out both in satisfaction and in utter astonishment at what had just happened. I just made love for the first time in my life, and it took my completely off guard. They say that love knocks you off your ass, and the act of our lovemaking had not only done that, but it felt like it also threw me off a cliff and onto cloud nine as well.

After a few minutes of basking around in the middle of my bed, my body sore and my mind light, I decide to finally get up and start my day. Obviously it was too late to come into the station for my morning shift, so I shoot a quick text to David, and let him know that I will come in later in the afternoon. Even if my dad did return a less then happy text back to me, scolding me for my unprofessionalism, nothing could damper my mood.

I am so happy I feel like my goddamn mother. I except birds to come sit on my window sill and help me dress I am this deliriously happy. As someone who I guess one could consider as somewhat depressed most of her life-what? people with my life circumstances tend to feel sad, okay? Moments of abundant happiness are rare for me. In fact, most of my happiest moments have occurred in the last two years; including finding of my son, the discovery of my parents, and of course finding the love of my life.

The last thought hits me like a ton a bricks. I was about to let the love of my life walk away, straight into the arms of another woman, once again. All because I am so damaged. But even if I am damaged, I deserve love too, and if this moment of happiness finally let me see that for myself, then so be it.

Making my mind up indefinently, I throw on my clothes and rush out of the house, eager to meet Killian. So many things are still left unsaid, so many things are left up in the air between us. I realize that we have needed to talk about us, and everything, really for a long time. I don't actually know anything about his relationship with Milah, besides the hugging and affection between the two that I had seen in our short time of not actually talking to each other all together. Sleeping with someone, even making love with someone, is quite different from committing your entire life to that one person. What I need to do now is convince Killian to do the latter. I had put this poor man through enough emotion roller coasters, and I, for once, needed to prove my love for him.

Heading down the stairs of my house, I run out of the door and into my car, straight to the place I knew he would be. Arriving at Granny's minutes later, I park my car on the sidewalk, and get out, heading directly to the diner. I pass the table, where we had our first real kiss, a quick smile passes over my lips. Almost to the door, I yank it open, both determined and excited at the same time.

What I see when I spot Killian, almost puts a damper on my mood, almost. He is sitting in a far booth in the corner of the diner, but he is not alone. A beautiful brunette sits across from him, a smile, I'm sure, covering her face. The two are talking animatedly. They almost don't notice me when I walk in, they are so engrossed in each other. But this doesn't stop me either. I begin to walk towards them, a new sort of determination on my face.

Just as I get close to their table, Killian spots me, a soft sigh leaving his lips as his eyes catch mine. I only look away briefly to make eye-contact with his lunch partner. The smirk she gives me makes my blood boil and my decision that much easier. Leaning down, I press my lips softly to Killian's. Ignoring his fuming ex, I continue to kiss him with all the passion that seems to just ooz out of us.

That's right bitch, it might be petty, but I'm staking my claim.

Sorry it's so short, I just wanted to get it out! Please review and follow! Update coming soon.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Can we talk?" I ask uncertainly, my gaze, never wandering from Killian's.

He simply nods in response and stands up from where he is sitting in the booth. Milah stands as well, nudging me to the side, she grabs Killian's hand and drags him over to the other side of the diner, presumably to chew him out.

I don't blame her really, I would be pissed too, If someones ex-girlfriend came in and kissed the daylights out of someone I think is mine.

Dragging my eyes over to them, I shake my head, clearing unwelcome images of the two ex-lovers. I see Killian hug Milah goodbye, and their hug lasts a little too long. I worry that I'm about to see something that I probably shouldn't. And just as I'm about to look away, however, I see Killian clasp a hand over Milah's shoulder, much like friend would do to another friend, and suddenly I am less worried.

I head towards the door, knowing he is close behind. We both make our way back to my car, and I drive to the one place I know would be the best place to have this conversation: our house.

Once inside, I take his hand and lead him to sit on the couch. A couch I'm hoping we can share, like we dreamed of sharing.

"Not that I'm complaining love, but what is this about?" he asks, his walls coming up in the form of a wry smile. His insecurities are leaking through his facade however, and I can't blame him, knowing it's a great deal my fault as to why his facade needs to be there in the first place.

Taking his hand, I look up into his blue eyes, and I muster as much courage as I can to say the proceeding words. Clearing my throat, I say the one sentence I know could change my life forever.

"I want to get back together" I say with a small smile, hoping he feels the same.

His face lights up as soon as I end my sentence, but falls a second later, no doubt out of confusion. In order to appease him, however, I gather up even more courage and push my insecurities aside and explain further.

"Killian, I want forever with you. I want us to share this house. I want you to help raise my son. Hell, I want to raise OUR children together. I want to be your wife. I want to always count on each other. I want you, always" I finish.

Tears are gathering in my eyes now, the words almost getting stuck in my throat. The amount of vulnerability and want in those few sentences have completely shaken me to my core. I am trembling lightly so lightly that I hope he won't notice, but of course, he does, and his face softens even further, and he gathers me gently onto his lap.

"Baby…" he soothes, putting a piece of hair behind my ear. He rubs soft circles on to my back as I cry into his shirt, putting me more at ease with each passing second.

He starts his words over as soon as he sees me visibly calmer.

"Love, don't you know that that is what I have always wanted? You completely. Us completely?" he explains, a genuine tone coming from his lips, "But..."

His last words rip through me.

"But...?" I ask.

He grabs my hand now, linking our fingers together.

"Now hear me out, Swan. We've been through so much this year. Most of it great, and some of it.."

The bad times flash like a montage behind my eyes. The mistrust, the darkness, and walls. Most of it my fault, but some of it his. I break out of my daydream, letting him continue, and ensuring eye contact to show him that I am indeed listening to what he is saying.

"Well, darling, some of it has been quite hard for both of us. We're both pretty broken people, and we've both stifled a lot of our emotions. I need us both to be on the same page, we both need to be in this 100%" he finishes, not making eye contact with me anymore, probably afraid he's already said too much.

I realize that I need to assuage him. I will beg if I have to.

"But I am in, 100%. This is it for me. Babe.." I quickly say, trying to make the situation better.

His eyes still don't meet mine, however, and instead choose to linger on our shag carpet. Gathering up more even more courage, I look him in the eyes until he his finally rise from the floor meet mine.

"So what now?" I ask in a shaky voice, not knowing if I want to know the answer.

He doesn't answer for what seems like an immeasurable amount of time. Finally, he clears his throat, shaking his head a little in disbelief.

"I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think we need a break" he says, his hands now unsteadily holding mine.

The shock hits my system when I hear these words and they force my throat closed and my eyes to well up with moisture.

"But..but what if you don't want me after our break" I ask, my voice shaking of fear.

He begins to laugh quietly.

"Not possible," he says, forcing our fingers to weave together.

"Just give us time", he continues, "We both need it. We're both still the dark ones, and like it or not, but I'm still angry. At who? I don't know, but I don't want my anger to get in the way of our relationship. I won't let it. But I need to know can you do that for us, baby? Give us space to heal?" He asks, the question lying heavily between our sitting forms.

After a few seconds I nod my ascent to his words, and I wrap my arms around his shoulders, climbing on to his lap once again. We sit there wrapped in each others arms for a very long time. I get lost in his scent and try and touch him as much as possible, while there is still time. His fingers, in turn, stroke my back up and down and pull me even tighter to his body. Pulling away after what seems like hours later, I ask the one question I have left.

"How long?" I ask. _How long do I have to live without you?_

His answer is abrupt, like he didn't even have to think about it.

"Only for a short while" he answers. _I_ _can't_ _last_ _that_ _long_ _without_ _you_.

Please Review! Should post another chapter by the end of the week!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The last few days have been weird…

Just saying that Killian and I were friends was weird. We were never just friends and we both knew it. There was always, always something brewing in the background, even when we swore to be mortal enemies after I turned on him and he chose to work with Cora. Lately, it has been the same way it always has, even if we were giving "slow" a try.

The chemistry was still undeniable. After long days spent together doing various things like paperwork at the station or watching a movie curled on the couch, we would sometimes forget the concept of just friends. We never took it far. Playing footsie under the blanket while my son cluelessly watched the movie alongside us was hardly what I would call innaproptiate behavior. It was like we were 12 again, and honestly I found nothing wrong with it.

We both had messed up so much in the past year that it was our job now to prove to each other that we really wanted to be together, even if that meant taking a break in our relationship.

Tonight was like every other night for the past few weeks. It was a night I was taking to enjoy time with family and friends. Munching down a bite of my burger, I look up and make eye contact with my mother. She is smiling widely at me, staring too intently into my eyes. I give her an uncomftorable look, not quite controlling a smile aimed in her direction. She leans in slowly, looking around us, making sure none is listening.

"What?" I ask, totally unaware of what has gotten her suddenly so interested.

"You look happy," she smiles and winks at me.

A blush comes over my face and my smile gets wider.

"I am," I say, knowing a series of questions is coming my way, "and before you ask, I am trying to keep my happiness a secret for now. We decided to take it slow and we want to keep our friendship a secret for now"

Mary Margaret gives me a knowing look.

"Just as long as my little girl is happy" she beams.

I simply nod and grab one of her hands and squeeze it. Just then a bell rings in the diner, I turn my eyes to the door. Just as I had hoped, it was Killian; however, he wasn't alone. In toe was Milah, holding on to his arm possessively. He looks irritated and begins to walk faster. When we catch eyes, I give him a shy smile, not quite knowing how to act in front of him while Milah is around.

I won't lie and say her presence didn't intimidated and somewhat anger me, but she was still a person and I hope to maintain the high ground between us. We are both adults and both headstrong woman and to fight would be beneath both of us.

So, in a gesture of solidarity, I smile at her too. She seems rather taken back with my smile, and she looks down at the floor, casting a frown at it. I think I must have caught her off guard. The woman seemed like she wasn't use to people treating her with kindness. I knew the feeling, and I didn't want to be another person who did that to her.

When the two of them get to our table, Mary Margaret scoots over and signals for Milah to take a seat next to her. She squeezes my hand under the table, showing me just how calculated that move really was. Killian, in turn, sits on my side, and his hand immediately rests high on my thigh.

The four of us begin to talk, going over each one of our days. Milah is funny. I almost haven't laughed this much in years as she tells us about how she is adjusting to 21st century. She complains mostly about the "moving boxes" which she feels she spends most of her days avoiding getting run over by. The whole table is in a fit of giggles at the end of her stories, and I can finally see what Killian sees in her. Not only is she incredibly beautiful, but she is funny, and from the looks of it, kind too. I felt a sense of remorse for hating her so vehemently when she first came back, even if I was the one who brought her back in the first place. What a mistake that turned out to be. Memories of my quest to turn my heart numb, long gone and replaced with a quest to fill my heart with love.

As the hours get longer and the conversations grower shorter and more dry, we all realize that it is time to call it a night. Mary Margaret is the first one to leave, getting up from the booth and giving me and Killian a hug. She simply smiles at Milah, showing her support for me and compassion for her at the same time.

I am more grateful for my mother than ever. I wish her well and promise to meet her for breakfast tomorrow, along with Henry. She leaves then, giving me one last hug.

As soon as my mother is out of Grannys, the awkwardness kicks in. My instinct to run from bad situations kicks in full force and I bend down and retrieve my bag from my seat. I look up to Killian, communicating and apologizing to him silently. He clears his throat and scratches behind his ear, showing me that he is just as uncomftorable with this situation as I am.

Surprisingly it is Milah who speaks up first.

"Well I should be going" she says, reaching out to hug me first. As soon as her hands are around me, I feel coldness. The warmth is gone from before, almost so quickly, that I feel like I have whiplash. I let go of her quickly, giving her a confused look. She doesn't return my look, instead choosing to go over to Killian.

Milah then goes on to hug Killian. She reaches her hands around his neck, plastering her whole body against his. She proceeds to lay a wet kiss on his cheek, loud enough for me to both see and hear it. She pulls back after a long second, giving us one more look before she saunters over to the door, closing it firmly behind her.

Finally we are alone; however, I don't know anymore if that is a good thing anymore. There is almost nothing to say after that little display of affection. I am more confused then ever about those two and the nature of their relationship. One second I think they are just two old friends and the next minute I think Milah is going to rip off his clothes and have her way with him right in front of me. The latter thought disturbs me to my core and I have to control the bile that climbs up my throat.

Not being able to take the silence any longer, I make my way slowly to the door his ex-girlfriend just left out of. He grabs my arm softly just as I am about to leave. He can tell something is wrong.

"There is nothing going on Emma. I promise you love".

He looks into my eyes pleadingly. I can tell that he is not lying. I decide to cut him some slack; to see the good in him.

"Okay," I say softly and simply, not knowing if I actually believe him or not.

He smiles at me in return, grabbing my hand and guiding me through the door.

We make our way back to my house in silence arm and arm with our fingers interlaced.

It is a beautiful and warm night and we take time to enjoy it while we walk slowly. My anger and confusion slowly melt as the walk goes on. His presence soothing me.

As we get closer to the house, our bodies seem to shift closer to each other. Stopping in front of my door, we reluctantly break our fingers apart. I reach up to hug him. I hug him around the waist softly, not wanting to force him into it. He surprises me, tightening my hold on him. We hug for what seems like hours with both us not wanting to let go. His arms travel up and down my back and eventually make their way into my hair. My fingers travel to his neck, playing with the his midnight hair.

He tips my head up towards his, and in a slow and calculated move, he slants his lips over mine. The kiss builds softly. Both of us let out sighs of contentment. And after a few minutes of making out, his control seems to snap and he reaches under me and hoist my legs around his waist. I let out a small moan, both surprised and incredibly turned on by his action.

The kiss is getting out of hand now. We are in public on the deck of my house and I am straddling his waist. I break the kiss reluctantly.

"We should stop," I say, already regretting my better judgment.

He doesn't even answer, his lips too occupied with leaving marks on my neck. I pull at his hair harder, trying to force his lips up. He simply bites down harder on my throat and presses his hips into mine. A loud mewl comes from one of us. And at this moment, I'm not quite sure from who.

"Baby, please" he begs, finally detaching his lips from my skin.

I am broken out of my lustful haze as I register his request. I smile at him, stroking his ear softly. I know exactly what he wants. I want the same thing.

"We can't," I say softly, "Henry is upstairs"

There is nothing, nothing I want more than to be connected to him in the most intimate way again, but my needs don't outweigh scarring my son for the rest of his life with our loud lovemaking.

He sets me down at the mention of my son. His respect and affection for my son never ceasing to amaze me. I step out of his arms mournfully, already missing the warmth.

I make my way over to the door but turn back once more to say a final goodbye.

His eyes are already on mine, and we both break at once. I come running towards him and he grabs my face with his big hands. Out lips connect in a hard, but chaste kiss. He is the one to break away this time, but before he does, he presses a long kiss to the top of my forehead.

"Goodnight Killian"

"Goodnight Emma"

I close the door behind me and lean on it for support. Much like the end of our first date, I am at a loss for words. Happiness and love radiate from inside me. I can't stop the wide smile that crosses my face. That smile staying on my face as I get ready for bed, and finally when I slip under the covers.

Please REVIEW! Thank you!

The smile only gets wider when I hear a loud pang coming from my phone and check my incoming message.

Killian

Soon.


End file.
